Lose Yourself

It seems like before I knew it, all the years had gone by. So don't waste a single moment, only attempting to slow down time. Cause it wasn't planned to be a life where everyone just plays to stay alive. Everyone seems to think they're right, but they don't know nothing beyond the outside

So, lose yourself, to save a life. And hold on close, to call the memory mine. And leave that phase of all on top on your own, and meet the real you finally find the place, that I call home.

Beyond the memories we make, it's more than just some candles and a lake. There's more than just a man, that's keeping this place alive. It's the love we share woven deep within a campers eyes. It's more than most could think, that's why we're the only ones that cry.

So, lose yourself, to save a life. And hold on close, and I'll call the memory mine. And leave that phase you'll lie on top of your own. Meet the real you finally, find a place, that I call home.

Where are the words to describe this place, in the lyrics of a song or a smile on a face, come together while you can and sing tonight we'll be standing hand in hand.

Where are the words to describe this place, in the lyrics of a song or a smile on a face, come together while you can and sing tonight we'll be standing hand in hand.

So lose yourself, to save a life. And hold on close. And I'll call the memory mine. And  leave that phase where you lie on top on your own, and meet the real you finally, find a place, that I call home.

-Tim Hollis

unwanted;mistake;blessing

My whole life I've always had this belief that the worst feeling someone could possibly have is the feeling of being unwanted. It really is a horrible feeling. Like when your parents say "I'm so disappointed I don't even want to look at you right now." How do you respond to that? What can you say? My whole body freezes up in that moment and I feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed that I have no words. Or when the cute boy you go to school with doesn't think you're pretty enough to go to the movies with this Friday night. Suddenly any compliment anyone has ever given you is thrown out the window and you feel absolutely worthless. "If I'm not good enough for him why would any other boy give me the time of day? I'm repulsive." Or even when your best friend suddenly finds a new best friend or a boy friend and you just need a girls weekend to laugh and cry about all of your problems but she already has plans and you have no one to turn to.

So you have this belief that these feelings, the feelings of not being good enough and not being wanted, those are the lowest of the low. It can't get any worse than this. But then something happens, or maybe it's multiple things all piled on top of each other, but you suddenly realize there is something much worse than this. The feeling of being a mistake.

Like when you start making an overwhelming amount of mistakes because you're just trying to find yourself and you have never been in this situation before and you just don't know what to do and every move you make pushes you farther and farther under water and all you want to do is come up for air and you look to your parents as the life float that will take you back to shore but then suddenly they blame themselves and say that they way they raised you was a mistake and you lose all strength to hold on to that float because the people that are supposed to be there for you cheering you on through thick and thin have given up and you let go and just sink under, with no strength to fight anymore.

Or when you sleep with your boyfriend because he is your first love and you think he loves you too but then it happens and he treats you like shit and won't fight for you or even meet your parents and make himself seem like he's worth it and then uses the excuse of you not being able to talk to him for two days as a reason to break up with you the day after your 16th birthday and tell you that he has feelings for your best friend. And suddenly you feel as though you were not good enough for him to stick around, he got what he wanted from you and now he's on to the next one and if you had just stayed true to what you know was right you wouldn't be feeling this way right now. And you wouldn't still be so messed up two and a half years down the road wondering why you still can't get them to stay and why everything has to be so uncomfortable and why you aren't even good enough to say hello to in passing and you just feel as though everyone looks at you as a big mistake that they wish they could take back and you try to tell yourself that they are the mistake and you deserve better but you just can't actually bring yourself to believe that and you feel so lost and confused and just wish that you could take it all back and be a blessing instead of a mistake.

In life there are only four kinds of girls:
The girl who played with fire.
The girl who opened Pandora's Box.
The girl who gave Adam the apple.
And the girl whose best friend stole her boyfriend.
-Candace Bushnell, The Carrie Diaries.

Wonderland.

I'm losing myself. Looking back at how things were this time last year and the person I am now is almost like looking at the two alternate worlds of Alice's reality and her Wonderland. I'm not sure which is which.Some would say that the person I am now, the person I have become, is reality. This is who I am. I live my every day life and the way that I act and the decisions that I make define the person that I am in this moment, in this life.
But what if the person that I was is my reality? Am I really this person? I know that this is who I am now, but who's to say that this isn't just a phase in my life and the person that I was will be the person that I am again some day. I was that other person for 18 years. Yes, I changed in certain ways and did not stay the exact same, but my morals and beliefs and values were all pretty steady. I don't know this person that I am now. Where do the decisions that I make stem from? Why do I do what I do? I feel as though this person is just the version of myself going through the crazy trials of life.
At the moment I'm stuck in my Wonderland. I am lost and confused and can't seem to find a way out, I can't wake up from this dream. But I know that one day I will wake up. I will be changed, there's no going back to the person that I was completely, but I will also realize that I need to be my old self as well. I will learn from the experiences that I am going through. I will grow from them. We go through hard times in our life to grow. I don't believe that I am quite there yet. I still have bad decisions to make, crazy experiences to have, and many tears to cry. But I do realize that time for change is coming soon.

Right now, it just isn't time to leave my Wonderland.

It's the losing of love that makes us who we are. The loss of a parent. Of your virginity. Of who you thought you might be. Of your innocence. Those losses are perhaps our first steps into adulthood. Life gets more complicated.

But it's also filled with promise. And the possibility of opening your heart to new beginnings.

Dazed & Confused

I feel... lost. I keep making mistakes but I'm not learning from them. Each time I do something stupid I tell myself I'm not going to do it again. I feel as though I've hit rock bottom. But then the next thing rolls around and I make a worse decision than the last time and I hit rock bottom all over again. I try to tell myself that there is nowhere to go but up but I keep falling farther and farther down. I guess all I can do right now is tell myself that making bad decisions doesn't make me a bad person. I feel lost and alone. Dazed and confused.