I Knew You Were Trouble

Is it really so bad for me to be wanted? I just want to feel like someone cares. I want to feel like someone has my back. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty and to hope for me to have a good day. I want to have someone thinking of me right when they wake up and right before the fall asleep. I want them to wonder what I'm doing at random moments of the day. I want to receive random text messages saying, "I just had the weirdest dream... You were in it." I want someone to think I'm one of the funniest people they've met. I want someone to constantly want to kiss me. I want someone to listen to me talk about my problems and assure me everything will be okay. I want to be able to tell someone everything is okay. I want to give my whole heart to someone and have them give me theirs right back and we will protect each other and love each other and build each other up.

The bad boy. Why, why why why why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep going for the ones that could care less about me. I know that I want all of this stuff but I won't go for the people who are actually willing to give it to me. I want the boys that are hard to get. The boys that kiss me, but are also hooking up with 5 other girls that weekend. I want the ones that only invite me to party with them. But I want them for this reason. I want them because I can't have them. I want to be able to be the girl that was worth it. The one that is worth not having other girls on the side. The one that he can spend all of his time with and be perfectly happy. In all reality I know that the chances of this are slim to none. But the good things about these guys is that you know that you're probably going to get hurt. When it happens it's not a surprise. The nice guys do something to hurt you and you're caught off guard and have no one to blame but yourself, or so you think. But when you go for a bad boy you know what you're getting yourself into. And that's why I like the bad boys.

Things You Should Know About Me

I love cuddling, the act of being so close to someone and feeling so loved is just amazing to me.
Diet Dr. Pepper is and always will be my favorite thing to drink.
Pizza Pringles are my comfort food.
I would so much rather walk around in leggings and an over sized long sleeve shirt than get all dressed up. People say if you look good you feel good, but I live more by the fact that if I'm comfortable I feel good.
I'm a very sensitive person. I don't care what people think about me most of the time, but if I feel that it's a legitimate problem it kills me.
I hate being lied to. I would so much rather you tell me something that would hurt me than try to hide it from me. Always. I mean this with no exceptions.
I say literally way too much. Like, literally at least 15 times a day.
My favorite color is purple, but I really like any bright color.
I have no patience. I won't put up with people playing with my feelings and I won't sit aside and stay quiet when I want the answer to something.
One of my favorite feelings in the world is laying in a warm bed with a good book and reading until I fall asleep.
I love naps.
If you let me tell you about my past and have a good response or just know how to listen, you have earned an important spot in my life.
I don't open up to a lot of people about serious things. I like to talk about what's going on in my life, but it takes a lot to get down to the deep stuff.
If you can make me laugh, I will want to spend time with you.
I like going for the bad boys, I feel like it's some huge challenge. I'm working on this one.
I love my friends. I will do almost anything for you if you're one of my best friends. I easily forgive people that are important to me. And if you mess with my friends it's worse than if you would have said something to me.
I have strange dreams, I don't always remember them, but when I do... It's weird.
I don't know how to conclude this post, I guess that could be a fun fact about me. Netflix is also my one true best friend. Bye.

Dark Blue

"This night's a perfect shade of dark blue."

Have you ever just woken up and were overwhelmed by sadness? Every little thing gets to you and no matter how hard you try to shake the feeling it won't leave. You have trouble breathing and you think you can feel your heart breaking. You don't exactly even know what the root of the problem is, you're just plain sad. This has been my day.

I feel as though everything is falling apart. The friendships around me. Some of my own friendships. And I am exhausted. I just don't have time for the drama any more. I can't do it right now. This sounds selfish but I have things going on in my life that I need to figure out and I have friends with serious things going on that need me. I don't have time for small petty unnecessary drama. I am officially distancing myself from it.

I miss my friends back home. This weekend a lot of stuff happened that I just wanted to share with them and get their opinion on and it's so hard not being able to talk to them all the time. Having to schedule conversations with my best friends is the strangest thing. I've been in college for a semester already and I'm still not used to it. Not used to not being right there when a friend needs me. Not used to not having them know who I'm talking about and telling me "Oh well they probably mean this because they always act like this"

I guess what I'm trying to say is I just want things to go back to normal for a while.

So many things come and go and change all around us every single day. One second you're laughing to the point of tears and the next you remember everything you have to do and your stomach clenches up and you feel nauseous and get so overwhelmed that you're short of breath. I've said it before and I will say it again. I hate change. I want one thing in my life to be consistent.

I want someone who will always be there. To listen to me and tell me everything will be alright. To tell me that I am not alone and I can make it through anything. I want someone that I can call and they will be there for me. I can cry and not tell them what is wrong and they will just listen. They will be there in the good times and the bad. They will celebrate my victories and success. They will let me rant about everything that is frustrating me. If I need to just go on a drive to clear my head they will come with me, not speaking, just riding in comfortable silence. They will come with me on a warm spring day, windows rolled down, Taylor Swift blaring through the car speakers, going anywhere and everywhere. I want someone that I can talk to about anything and everything. Someone that listens when I have something to say. Someone that asks me how I am doing. Someone to care for me.

I want this person. Whether it is a boyfriend, best friend, or both. Whether they are in my life now and I just can't quite appreciate it yet, or I have some more learning and searching to do. I want this person.

Quicksand

Lately I've been really evaluating my life. I've already had my first emotional break down of the semester. It's only day two. I know that this semester is going to be hard. I know that I'm really going to have to work for it. I am going to face challenges and I am going to want to give up. I won't give up.

The other day in one of my classes I watched a clip from the movie The Replacements that really stuck with me. The coach of this team of replacement football players asks the team what they are afraid of. At first some of the guys say spiders and bees and the coach tries to tell them that is not what he means. And then the main character in the movie answers quicksand. When asked by another player what he means this is what he says:

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... You can't breathe... Because you're in over your head. Like quicksand."

I also am terrified of quicksand. I want to be successful. I want to achieve greatness. I want to make this work for me. I don't want to be pulled under by the quicksand.

Stay True

I don't exactly know how to put this into words in a way that will make sense. I guess I'll just start by saying, I hate change. I hate it with a burning passion. I hate when friends grow apart, I hate when I have to uproot my life, I hate the feeling of not knowing what to expect that comes with change. I just hate it.

That being said, I'm not talking about beneficial change. For example: I sure as hell am going to change this semester. I walk into this semester being unmotivated and I will walk out of this semester with people saying who the hell is that? Because I will be a different person. I will be motivated and ambitious and dedicated. I will be a new me.

But one thing I won't do is change myself to fit someone else's mold of what I should be. If I feel that I should change and become a better person, fine. But I won't pretend to like things that I don't. I wont stop making sassy comments. I won't leave behind people that I love. I won't sacrifice myself for another person. The things that I like and do and say, those are the things that make me, me. And there are people who love me for that. And I know that somewhere out there, there is someone looking for a girl just like me. And I know that when I find that person, I'll have been looking for them too.

"You may feel worthless to one person, but you are priceless to another."

Summer Love

"He slept a summer by my side. He filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride. But he was gone when autumn came." -Fantine, Les Miserables

Summer love is a beautiful thing. Summer love is happiness. It's walking down the street, hand in hand, with no worries in the world. It's splashing each other in the pool and kissing under Fourth of July fireworks and playing volleyball in the sand and laughing and smiling and crying together. Summer love is slow dancing to The Luckiest by Ben Folds and two stepping to Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show and it's playing with kids together and having them look up to us. Summer love is us talking on the phone for hours at night until we both fall asleep. Summer love is the letters we would write to each other with our darkest secrets and the way you would look at me from across the room. Summer love is you telling me that I am beautiful and strong and smart and stubborn. Summer love is you and me. Summer love is a beautiful thing until it's gone.

Summer love turned into the way that my heart filled with ache at the sound of your name. Summer love turned into me reading your letters and laughing and crying and wanting it all back. Summer love turned into you being with her and me being without a best friend. Summer love turned into lies and betrayals. Summer love turned into lack of trust. Summer love turned into fear of letting myself go. Summer love turned into me missing the way that you knew me and wanting it back but knowing that it's wrong. Summer love turned into me being broken.

There Are Places, Where Memories Live Forever

I miss it. Everyday. Sometimes it's more present than others. But I always miss it. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about the way it made me feel. The way it shaped me into the person I am today. I miss it.

To even begin to understand what I am referring to you would have to back up almost 12 years. I was seven years old. Second grade. I started noticing that I felt different. Instead of being able to run around and keep up with all of the other kids at recess, I could barely walk down to the swings without feeling weakened. I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. My ribs were sticking out, you could see my spine. There were huge bags under my eyes and my hair was falling out. I was always going back and forth between chugging water and going to the bathroom. I was dying.

That sounds extreme but that's the simple fact of the matter. In February when I was seven years old, I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes. There are a few things that I remember about my life before I was diagnosed. My favorite soda was sprite. I would go to birthday parties and split a funnel cake with my best friend at the skating rink. I was terrified of needles. That all changed. Now my favorite soda is diet Dr. Pepper. I rarely eat funnel cakes because they make my blood sugar spike. My body comes in contact with a needle at least 3 times a day, every single day. At seven years old my life changed drastically.

I won't lie and say that having diabetes is easy, that it's no big deal. I hate it. I am constantly afraid that people will freak out and decide to stop talking to me when they find out. I deal with people staring at me when I test my blood sugar or give a shot at restaurants. I feel horrible when I have high blood sugars. I feel horrible when I have low blood sugars. I have more responsibility dealing with this than most other average teenagers, and lets face it, being a teenager is hard enough as it is.

But just like most other things in the world, this disease that I have, as horrible as it is, blessed me beyond belief. Because of my diabetes, I started attending Camp Sweeney the summer after I was diagnosed. And I went back every summer, up to this summer, for 11 years. There's no way to explain the magic inside of the gates that surround this place. There's no way to truly explain the way that it can make a person feel. You have 200 people. Almost all diabetics, all familiar with diabetes. All between the ages of 6-18. All there because of this one thing. One thing that we all have in common. One thing that many outside people don't understand. One thing. One simple thing.

There are many exciting and beautiful and breathtaking and magical things about Camp Sweeney. But I think there is one that stuck out to me the most.The Code of Living. This is something that all of the campers strive to achieve. There are eleven traits voted on by the campers, such as responsibility, trustworthiness, friendliness, good control, good sportsmanship. Things that people in every day life should strive to achieve, things they should focus on instead of getting money or fame or power. At the end of the 19 days that the campers spend at Sweeney, 8 children, 4 boys and 4 girls, all from certain age groups, win the Code of Living. The winners fellow campers have decided that this person has traits that they look up to. Traits that they honor. Traits that they also strive to live by. I guess my point is, where else can you find this? I've looked and have come up short every time. A place where it is encouraged to be kind, and loving. A place where the main goal is to make friendships, and to understand each other. To lend a helping hand to someone in need.

I miss it. Everyday. I miss the place where I met my best friends. I miss the place that I learned to be a better person. I miss the place that I met the boy I first fell in love with. I miss the place that I could help others. I miss the place that I was a role model. I miss the place that was my second home. Sometimes it's more present than others. But I always miss it. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about the way it made me feel. The way it shaped me into the person I am today. I miss it.

And I wish more than anything that I could go back. Back to my second home.

Americas REAL Hottest Men

Okay so today I decided to Google "America's top 100 sexiest men in 2012." Don't ask me why. I just do things like that sometimes. Well as I was reading through these I was shocked, surprised, confused, and very very convinced that it was absolutely ridiculous. So my best friend Becca and I made our own top 25 list. This is based off of looks (obviously), perceived personality, talent, and lets just go ahead and say that their six packs have their own category. So here goes:

25. Justin Timberlake
24. George Clooney
23. Shia Labeouf
22. James Franco
21. Andrew Garfield
20. Leonardo DiCaprio
19. Alex Pettyfer
18. Bradley Cooper
17. Channing Tatum
16. Eric Dane
15. Ben Affleck
14. Robert Downey Jr.
13. Jake Gyllenhaal
12. Chace Crawford
11. Josh Duhamel
10. Matthew Lewis
9. Ryan Reynolds
8. Joseph Gordon Levitt
7. Christian Bale
6. Christiano Ronaldo
5. Adam Levine
4. Chris Evans
3. Ian Somerhalder
2. Liam Hemsworth
1. Ryan Gosling

By the way ladies, between Becca and I, all of these men are spoken for. So back off!

The Words I Could Never Say

I want to spend all of my time with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry to you. I want you to brush my hair away from my face & tell me everything will be okay. I want you to reach over and hold my hand while you're driving. I want you to kiss me before you leave because you can't bear the thought of walking away without doing it. I want you to run to me when I see you again. I want you to pick me up and spin me around. I want you to take me out on cute dates. I want you to tell me that you think I'm beautiful. I want you to be my best friend. I want you to make me feel wanted. But most of all.... I want you to feel the same way about me.

Bucket List

I got inspired today. I've always wanted to make a bucket list. Set goals for myself. Make sure that I'm living my life to the fullest. I don't want to let my life pass me by. I want to know that I lived. The world wasn't just where I ended up, it was my playground. So here goes: (everything I've already done is highlighted)

1. See the Northern Lights
2. Travel to Italy
3. Go on a picnic
4. Go to Disney World with my best friends
5. Swim with dolphins
6. Go on a cruise
7. Have a New Year's kiss
8. Get kissed under the mistletoe
9. Fall in love with my best friend
10. Ride a two seat bike
11. Go to the dinosaur park in South Dakota
12. Stay in a hut over the ocean
13. Go on an underwater roller coaster
14. Learn to ski/snowboard
15. Learn to surf
16. Stay in an underwater hotel
17. Horse back ride on the beach
18.Go camping with my best friends
19. Go scuba diving or snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef
20. Invite someone without a family to my family's holiday dinner
21. Go to a foam party
22. Gamble in Vegas
23. See a shooting star
24. Go skinny dipping
25. Pay for a strangers meal
26. Experience zero gravity
27. Have a food fight
28.Ride in a helicopter
29. Go parasailing
30. Visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
31.Win concert tickets
32. Ride a gondola
33. Watch someone survive cancer
34.Go cliff jumping
35. Do the color run
36. Make a team for and walk in a JDRF walk
37. Crowd surf
38. Throw darts at paint balloons
39. Take cute kissing pictures in a photo booth
40. Be part of a flash mob
41. Go zip lining
42. Dance on tables and don't care who sees
43. Get in a taxi and yell "Follow that car!"
44. Have a "usual" at a restaurant or cafe
45. Send an encouraging letter to a random address
46. Save a life
47. Attend a masquerade
48. Watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve
49. Roadtrip with my best friends
50. Spin a globe and go where my finger stops it
51. Hold a sloth
52. Get a tattoo
53. Kiss someone on a Kiss Cam
54. Kiss someone at the top of a ferris wheel
55. Visit all 50 states
56. Meet my idol
57. Find and return someone's lost pet
58. Have a summer romance
59. Have breakfast in bed
60. Be known as mom
61. Dye my hair a crazy color
62. Kiss someone in the rain
63. Ice Skate in Central Park
64. Spend an entire day watching Disney movies
65. Ride an elephant
66. Meet Adam Levine
67. Be given a puppy as a present
68. Jump in a pool fully clothed
69. Have a song dedicated to me on the radio
70. Spend an entire day cuddling
71. Be the Maid of Honor in a wedding
72. Have a paint fight
73. Kiss someone famous
74. Go on a date to the zoo
75. Send a message in a bottle
76. Be serenaded
77. Give back to Camp Sweeney
78. Sleep on the beach
79. Stand under the Hollywood sign
80. Ride in a hot air balloon
81. Go to a fashion show
82. Experience Christmas in New York
83. Lay in the road in the middle of the night
84. Visit a castle
85. Put a secret in a balloon and let it fly away
86. Participate in a polar bear plunge
87. Have someone write a song about me
88. Kiss someone under water
89. Learn something about myself in another country
90. Witness a strangers wedding proposal
91. Kiss someone under a waterfall
92. Go on a safari
93. Walk through a drive through and get served
94. Get a free meal
95. Ride a mechanical bull
96. Fly in a private jet
97. Jump off of a waterfall
98. Go on a mini golf date
99. Throw a drink in someone's face
100. Go to a drive in movie
101. Go on an aquarium date
102. Swim with the fish in an aquarium
103. Visit Niagara Falls
104. Go to the top of the Empire State Building
105. Be on a game show
106. Send up lanterns like in Tangled
107. Do the Dirty Dancing lift with someone
108. Backpack through Europe
109. Give someone a make over
110. Celebrate Mardi Gras in New Orleans
111. Build a tree house
112. Stay at a bed & breakfast
113. Slow dance in the rain
114. Find a dour leaf clover
115. Have a valentine on Valentines day
116. Go to a bar and have martinis with old friends
117. Ride on the back of a motorcycle
118. Shoot a gun
119. Have a surprise party thrown for me
120. Set up a couple and have them get married
121. Go to a haunted house
122. Take a zumba class
123. Get my dream job
124. Donate blood
125. See a Cirque Du Solei show
126. Be on TV
127. Own a beach/lake house
128. Catch a jar of lightning bugs
129. Go night fishing
130. Write something in wet cement
131. Be known as "aunt Alexis"
132. Kiss someone under the Eiffel Tower
133. Set up a lemonade stand
134. Pull a fire alarm
135. Volunteer at an animal shelter
136. Learn someone's life story
137. Attach a lock to a love bridge
138. Leave a letter on Juliet's wall
139. Have a huge water balloon fight
140. Donate my hair to locks of love
141. Milk a cow
142. See a play on Broadway
143. Have a Nerf war
144. Laugh until I cry
145. Sleep under the stars
146. Play hide & seek in IKEA
147. Walk on a frozen lake
148. See fireworks on the beach
149. Try something new with someone I love
150. Finish everything on my bucket list

Be Careful What You Wish For

Lately I've been having mixed feelings about going back up to school. It's not for sure that I'm even going yet, but of course I've started making my plans just in case. On one hand, I am so excited to see my friends and get back in my tiny dorm bed that feels just right and have late night talks about boys or the stupid people we encountered that day with my roommate and have family dinners on Sundays and see Kristen Cash and run to give her a hug and walk down the south oval and just admire how beautiful my campus and the place I call home really is. But whenever I think about going back I also get butterflies in my stomach and think about how nice it would be to just stay at home and be with all of my friends from high school and know where I was going and what I was doing all the time. And I realized why.

I'm scared.

I desperately want this second chance from my parents. I want to finally be able to prove myself. But what if I can't do it? I tend to always be able to find my self destruct button. Whether it's me not being able to commit to a relationship in fear of getting hurt or me just being so incredibly lazy that I end up shooting myself in the foot and failing at yet another thing, I always mess things up for myself. What makes this time any different? I feel different this time. More motivated and I know that my friends will help me succeed. But I am so incredibly scared. I want to cling on to the here and now because I know that as each second slips by I'm closer to having to make a future for myself. Growing up isn't what I thought it would be. It all seemed so fabulous when I couldn't drive, or go to the mall without my mom being there. But I find myself longing for those days. Back when things were simple. My biggest mistake was going past the point on my street where my parents told me I could play. The biggest pain in my life was a scraped knee from falling off of my bike. I finally got what I wanted. I grew up. And it's scary. And now I just wish I could go back to being a little kid.