Lately I've been having mixed feelings about going back up to school. It's not for sure that I'm even going yet, but of course I've started making my plans just in case. On one hand, I am so excited to see my friends and get back in my tiny dorm bed that feels just right and have late night talks about boys or the stupid people we encountered that day with my roommate and have family dinners on Sundays and see Kristen Cash and run to give her a hug and walk down the south oval and just admire how beautiful my campus and the place I call home really is. But whenever I think about going back I also get butterflies in my stomach and think about how nice it would be to just stay at home and be with all of my friends from high school and know where I was going and what I was doing all the time. And I realized why.
I'm scared.
I desperately want this second chance from my parents. I want to finally be able to prove myself. But what if I can't do it? I tend to always be able to find my self destruct button. Whether it's me not being able to commit to a relationship in fear of getting hurt or me just being so incredibly lazy that I end up shooting myself in the foot and failing at yet another thing, I always mess things up for myself. What makes this time any different? I feel different this time. More motivated and I know that my friends will help me succeed. But I am so incredibly scared. I want to cling on to the here and now because I know that as each second slips by I'm closer to having to make a future for myself. Growing up isn't what I thought it would be. It all seemed so fabulous when I couldn't drive, or go to the mall without my mom being there. But I find myself longing for those days. Back when things were simple. My biggest mistake was going past the point on my street where my parents told me I could play. The biggest pain in my life was a scraped knee from falling off of my bike. I finally got what I wanted. I grew up. And it's scary. And now I just wish I could go back to being a little kid.
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