It's been a while since the last time I sat down and actually wrote out my feelings. Partially because I feel as though I have no time in the day any more and partially because for a while I felt lost. Quite honestly, I don't know how I feel. I wish this meant I was numb, but rather I have so many emotions flowing through me all at once that I cannot seem to process just one. I am feeling everything at once and I don't know how to handle this any more. Holding all of these feelings in is starting to get to me, so I guess this is my effort to share my private thoughts with the people who care enough to read this post.
I feel happy. So happy with all of the new opportunities arising in my life every day. Whether that be my job at Camp Longhorn this summer or the many new friends I am making here at OU, I am so happy that new things are coming into my life. I am happy that I know who my true friends are and I have people like Brooke or Becca or Melody to go to and share my deepest secrets with. I am happy that my friends back home are doing well and finding their paths and figuring out their lives and experiencing new things and finding people that they love. I am happy that I am blessed with so many wonderful opportunities and people in my life.
I feel betrayed. Recently someone that I consider a very good friend just dropped out of my life. At first it seemed as though she was strictly avoiding me and being friendly to my other good friends. I was confused and hurt, but this has happened a few times before so I decided to just let her have her space. Eventually, as time went on I began to be concerned and wanted to know what I had done to offend her. I Am the type of person that genuinely cares when I upset someone that I care about and if you actually mean something to me I will go to make a pretty great effort to fix the problem. When I asked her what was going on at first I received no response and when I persisted I ended up getting a lot of what I have no other word for than sass. Basically, now this person won't speak to me or any of my friends, has completely cut us out of her life, and is saying that God blessed her by getting rid of us. Now, if she doesn't want to be my friend I completely understand. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things whether you like it or not. But saying that The Lord blessed you by disbanding a friendship is offensive on many levels to me. First of all, our God is a loving God that would not want anyone to hurt, and quite frankly this situation is a stab in the back and to the heart to me. But not only that, my friends and I have done nothing to her. If she wants to move on, fine. But making us seem like bad people is just very hurtful to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say she's a bad person. I don't agree with her actions and am very upset by the bay I have been treated, but she was my friend for a reason. As much as I say I'm done with that friendship right now, in the bottom of my heart I know if she needed me I would be there, and hopefully she knows that too.
I feel enlightened. I could go on for days about this one so I'm going to cut it down to two of my main points.
ONE: I go to The University of Oklahoma. I am 18 years old. I am out on my own at a beautiful school and am blessed with amazing friends. I am so very lucky to be here. I chose this college and never have I bee happier about a choice that I have made. I love where I am, I love who I am surrounded with, and I am so so very lucky.
TWO: I have a soul that seeks and craves and longs for adventure. That is why I am attracted to the people who aren't the best for me. That is why when someone shows me their favorite spot in a new city I feel so happy and so alive. That is why I love driving around the town with the windows rolled down and the wind blowing through my hair singing along to a song playing as high as it can with my best friend at 3 in the morning. That is why when someone says they want to go on an adventure I feel my soul set on fire. That is why I have trouble focusing, I never want to miss out on new opportunities. That is why I am always striving to find someone that can make me feel so alive. There's a part of my soul deep down that longs for someone who will explore with me, challenge me, and be content with aimless wandering.
While I feel so many more things, after getting this out of my system I am finally tired and content and able to sleep. Sometimes just letting it all out is the best therapy of all.
