Love. Isn't that what we're all looking for? Whether you're straight or gay, black or white, even male or female. Everyone has that subconscious desire to be accepted and to be loved. Everyone wants to feel like there is at least one person out there that cares about their well being. Everyone wants a reason to wake up in the morning and smile. A person whose hand you can hold while strolling under Christmas lights or a person to cuddle up next to while watching your favorite movie.
So why is it that I keep chasing after the ones that don't want me? Why have I spent nearly six months fawning over a guy who can't even take the time to text me back? He says he cares about me, yet can't be bothered to see me. He tells me to talk to him, but when I try, I get no response. Then, I tell myself I'm done. I tell myself that I can do better. And then three weeks later I go running back. Much like the "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" motion of washing your hair; I have the "Run, Done, Repeat" Syndrome. Except, instead of this being beneficial and cleansing, I know that I'm just wasting my time and dirtying up my life with unnecessary heartache.
There are so many genuinely nice guys out there that I simply brush away as if they're nothing. Sure, at first I'm interested.I get the typical butterflies in my stomach and the shy smile when my friends ask me about them. And then they tell me they're interested and everything goes great until, like a light switch going off, I'm simply just not interested anymore. There's no more spark. I start to get annoyed by the constant texting and asking me to hang out. But why? Why do I lose interest so fast. I know it's fun to have the chase and work to earn their affection but some of these are amazing guys. Amazing guys that I just let go. Yet nothing they do keeps me interested. If they're too available I get bored. If they're too unavailable I get fed up. Is there a fine line there that could make me happy? Or am I just making excuses for myself so I don't get hurt?
For the first time in a very long time I can actually see myself in a long term relationship. And this scares the living hell out of me. In theory, this would be the perfect guy. Kind, caring, attractive, funny, ambitious, and one of my best friends. But what happens if I screw this one up too? He's always around. My friends are his friends. And while right now I know that I'm committed to giving this a shot, what if my interest stems from not knowing how he feels? I tell myself that because I already spend so much time with him and don't get annoyed that won't be a problem. That because he's already in my group of friends and I won't have to balance the two of them that I won't be obliged to spend time with him. But I can't help but hear the back of my mind saying, "Alright Lex. You do this all the time. Don't ruin your friendships. Don't make everyone choose sides. Don't be awkward."
Sometimes the greatest distance in life is the space between your heart and your head. Unfortunately, I'm a very much "listen to your heart" type of person. So no matter how much my head could tell me what I'm doing is right, if my heart isn't invested it won't work out. I guess the goal is just getting both to be on the same page. I know what I want, and I think it's the right thing to do. Let's just hope that I can convince myself that this will work. As one the characters in my favorite movies, He's Just Not That Into You, said: "The spark thing is shit... Bullshit... Guys invented the spark so they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and fear that they're throwing at you is actually just a 'spark'. And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama." So I'm done with the drama. I'm done running back to the guy who doesn't have time for me. I'm done looking past the nice guys. It's time for a change.
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